Todd yawned briefly and, forgetting himself, stretched his arms over his head in a stretch. When he lowered his eyes to his sister again, he felt his grin falter at the suddenly hardened expression of her face. “What’s wrong?”
Erin’s eyes were fixed on his arms, still lifted over his head. “Todd, pull back your sleeve.”
He couldn’t help it: panic blossomed in his chest. Though in the next moment he affected confusion, it escaped neither of them that he lowered his arms much too hastily. “What?”
She glared at him. Faster than he had time to react, Erin leaned across the couch and yanked his thermal sleeve up to his elbow.
Todd didn’t have to look to know what Erin would see. The patches of purple and green bruises that stood out in sharp contrast against his pale skin would sear into her eyes. Shit, they had shocked even him when he saw how his injuries had manifested.
Disappointment and worry chased themselves across her face. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as she released his arm. “When did this happen?”
He bit his lip. But he knew his limits: he only stood a chance of fooling her when he omitted information. When she interrogated, he didn’t stand a chance. “Friday.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “You went back to class?”
Reluctantly, he answered with the truth. Better get it over with, he thought with dismay. “I - it was a competition.”
That made Erin open her eyes wide. Her jaw clenched tight with an audible snap. “What the fuck? You said you quit boxing for good!”
He bristled in the face of her raw anger, annoyed that she would speak so condescendingly to him. “I know what I said, all right? You don’t have to remind me.”
“So… what? You’ve been lying to Mom and me all along?”
“No! I just… I changed my mind.”
“You nearly died in your last fight - you spent months in physical therapy - and you changed your mind?” Her expression was aghast. It would have been almost funny if it weren’t for the fact that she was furious with him - her entire body shaking from the intensity it. “Do you have death wish, asshole? Do you want to die? Because that’s what’s going to happen, you know. The doctors all said so. You keep on going like this and you’ll be dead within the year.”
“I don’t care.”
“You don’t care?” Erin’s voice was incredulous. Her hands were clenched and white. “Todd, I know it’s hard for you to stop boxing, but with your life at risk -“
He propelled himself off of the couch, making for the door. “We are not talking about this anymore. I can’t - dammit, Erin, I don’t need this right now!”
“You don’t need - what? The truth? You want to keep deluding yourself?”
“And so what if I did?” he snarled, spinning around to face her. In quick strides, he moved toward her - so that they could scream, face to face, looking each other in the eyes. “What would you do if I told you that I wanted to die?”
“Todd!”
“You just - you don’t fucking understand. Because you’ve never had anything - nothing, ever - in your life that you really loved. You always like things abstractly. You never give into anything completely. That’s why it’s always so easy for you to walk away from things, isn’t it? You only ever dip your toes in because you don’t want to get in too deep!” He was shouting now, his frustration overcoming what restraint he’d been using to hold himself back. “Well, guess what? I can’t do that. I can’t just stop boxing any more than I can stop myself from breathing. And just because a bunch of bullshit doctors tell me to stop boxing doesn’t mean I have to listen to them! “
“So you have a death wish? You really want to die?” Erin’s anger blistered, her face turning as white as his turned red. “You’re just going to leave me and Mom behind? Just like Dad?”
At the mention of their father, Todd’s anger gave way. Wearily, he sank down on the couch. “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave you guys behind. If there was a way…” He shook his head. “Maybe the doctors are right - maybe I will die if I keep boxing. But if I have to stop and give it up… maybe I’ll still be around, walking around and breathing. But Erin… I wouldn’t be alive anymore, not really. Because boxing is my life.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way. You could find something new to feel passionate about - “
Todd shook his head at her naiveté, at the sentence that she couldn’t finish: something that won’t kill you. “You can’t just change your passion in life like that. It doesn’t work that way.” He sighed. “Erin, for better or for worse, boxing is what I love. And I’m going to keep boxing for the rest of my life, whether that’s for more than a year or less. I’d rather live for a short time before dying because of something I love than to live a long life, regretting every day the fact that I gave up on it.”
She had no response for that. So, Erin withdrew from him. Todd watched as she threw her things together into her backpack, her hands shaking. She made to leave, only pausing at the doorway for a moment. Still, she could find no words to say, and left without saying anything.
And Todd remained in the living room even long after he heard the click of her bedroom door being pulled shut.
——
fin.
By me
